The clock said 1:41 am, but it might as well have shown alien symbols for all my sleep-deprived brain could comprehend. In fact, I could hardly remember any details about my life outside of that hospital room other than the unforgettable fact that a baby was coming, and we had no choice but to keep going.The mental picture I had of how this delivery would go was long-ago destroyed in a flurry of doctors recommendations and unexpected happenings, with each element of our carefully thought-out birthing plan falling like dominoes one after another, hour after hour.
But even at the lowest point of this entire process, when our reality seemed only to consist of pain, torment, and deep rhythmic breathing, we never lost faith that God was guiding us, and that this baby would be delivered healthy. And 50-something hours after we got to the hospital, on the evening of Krishna’s birthday, our own baby Krishna was born and our lives, and relationship to God, would never be the same.
Most parents will tell you that there is no more life-changing moment than having a child, and I would have to agree. But I had no idea that one of the ways my life would change would be my relationship with God and Guru. So why do I share this story? Because I’ve learned that the more we can live in the right relationship to our Divine Mother, the more calmness and confidence we can bring to every situation, and after 9 years of parenting as a disciple of a great Master, I’ve learned a few things I can share.
By this time in my life of having children I had been living and participating in Ananda Palo Alto for maybe four or five years, so I had at least the foundations of a spiritual life and a relationship with God and Guru. I prayed fervently to my “Heavenly Father, and Divine Mother,” and I thought that I understood these concepts, but only from the experience of being a child. On the other side of the coin, through the experience of parenthood, I came to the realization that we are indeed God’s beloved children, and that God treats us just like we treat our children when we are at our most loving.
The first time I realized this was in the post-birth baby bliss that all new parents experience after bringing home their first little bundle of Joy. The feeling of love was so strong I thought that my heart might explode out of my chest, and in that moment it dawned on me: How could I ever think to understand how much God loves us when my limited human heart is already filled to capacity over just one tiny person?
Before this I could never fathom what it would feel like to look over and see a living, breathing piece of my heart just lying there, but upon gazing at my newborn son I immediately understood what that French saint meant when he said “If you knew how much God loved you, you would die for Joy,” and what Yogananda meant when he said to his disciple “How can a little cup hold the whole ocean?” And I can look back on those moments and realize that God is always looking at us with pure Love, and trust that He too only wants the best for us.
Then as my son grew up, as children tend to do, he became curious about the world around him. As a loving parent who wants him to grow up happily, I wanted to let him explore his world without limits, but when he came upon dangerous things like the stove, or our altar candle, there were moments that I had to step in. And even though I wanted to give him everything he asked for, I also had to deny him things like too much candy, or too much TV for his own well-being.
From those experiences I realized that often when God is denying us what we want in any given situation, often He is protecting us from pain, or worse. And just like my children did, sometimes I would throw a fit because God must not understand how much I want this, and how happy I think it would make me. And just like I did, God held firm that He loved me too much to let me fulfill those harmful desires.
When we are open to God’s guidance, we must also trust that, like a loving parent, He has our long-term best interests in mind. But instead of being denied toys and candy, we are denied things like certain jobs or certain relationships. At the time, it may feel like a tragedy, but for me personally when I look back on my life I am so grateful for all the times I was denied what I thought I wanted because I now see, from a closer connection to Spirit, that those things would have taken me away from that connection, and toward more material desires.
So when life gets tough, as life tends to get on this planet, just remember that your Heavenly Father and Divine Mother love you more than you could comprehend, and are doing all that they can to help you turn back toward their loving embrace. Then, the only thing we need to do in the midst of our trials is be open to that Love, and know that we are being guided back home with every step we take in that direction.